Sunday, October 7, 2012

Adventures in Customer Service

So, last night I chatted with a bunch of crazies at my job, some who made me laugh, some who made me want to hang myself with my own headset cord to just end the torture, but either way, its always eventful to work in customer service. I thought I'd share a couple stories of my more eventful calls...

My very first call of the day came from a gentlemen who,  although very nicely, started his call out by informing me that although he loved the company he will happily sue us for breaching our contract if we don't allow him to tether his computer to his cell phone with no limits. First of all,  wouldn't we all love to use our internet on our phones with no limits, however, last I time I checked, cell phone companies aren't non-profits. So they are going to look out for their bottom line, lets be honest, most companies do and so do most people. Anyways, I told him I completely understood his frustration, and how important it was to get online. After reviewing his account, I notice he doesn't have the feature added and proceed to inform him that in order to use his device as a hotspot, he will need to add it...oh, and it costs 14.99.  Well, of course, he starts throwing a fit, telling me how he works for several large, well-known magazine companies as a freelance writer and he has NO problem writing an article about our practices and publishing it and making sure we get a black mark against us, not only that he has no problem suing us for breach of contract. I take issue with this for a couple reasons, first of all, your saying you cant afford 14.99 a month, yet you publish articles in famous magazines, secondly, you cant afford 14.99 but you can afford the lawyer to sue us, and lastly Sir, you haven't been under contract with us for 5 I'm unsure what contract it was we breached. So, in other words, FAIL. Of course, I don't say these things, if I did, Id be fired in under 2.5 seconds.
Next call was less annoying and more entertaining. The gentleman calls in to tell me he has words scrolling across the side of his screen and he cant make it stop. Ok. So in an effort to find out what it is , so we can make it stop, I ask, can you read me what it says? No, I cant read it. Is it unreadable or? Nope, I just cant read. Ok. Did you install any apps recently and then it started? No. Whats your background? My mother. (First of all the man in question is at least 30 years old.) The entire conversation so far, I can hear what sounds lie a nasaly, New Jersey voice in the background talking or what sounds like bitching to me. I figure it his wife. I figure wrong. So as I continue to ask him questions and he continues to have a nervous breakdown over this scrolling issue. And by breakdown, I mean his voice is getting higher pitched, cracking and he's telling me he cant handle this shit and its just too much for him. So, of course, we are getting nowhere. This is the point since, he cant read to me what it says and we are unsure if its app related or alerts from the phone...I tell him he can take it in store and they can read the alerts and figure out what it says. He proceeds to tell me that if he goes in store, he'll go to jail. What? He says he'll go to jail cause they talk to him like he's an idiot and he'll end up punching one. Great. At the point he's crying at the idea of going in store...I hear the nasaly female voice get louder and tell him "Get the fuck off my phone, I'm tired of listening to you cry like a baby about your stupid phone, you just don't know how to use it. Hang up the phone now!" His response? "Shutup Mom!" Wait...your Mom is your background and she is yelling at you to get off the phone and your clearly over 18? bhahahaha. I hear her continue to scream at him to get off his phone, and he tells me, forget it, that he has to go, cause his Mom thinks he's retarded and is making him. The call ends. And I laugh...

And that's the end of my adventures for today....I'm sure Ill have more stories later on, because in the crazy world of customer service, you never know whose going to be on the other end.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Friend with a Vagina...

So, one of my online man candies....I also have him on a social networking site, we wont say which...ok, wait, lets give some background on Loveland first. I met Loveland at the still young, fun and cute age of 21...he was the mysterious, sexy, older man of 31. We slept together a few times, I recall it being pretty nasty, in a good way. I was entranced by his sexual expertise, which may or may not be accurate, because at 21, I had sleep with oh, maybe 4 people. Yes, I know I'm a whore and going straight to hell. Let's move past it. Anyways, moving on...we recently reconnected through said social networking site. We've been chatting for, oh, I dont know 6 months maybe? He lives approximately 2 hrs away from me. We have talked about meeting up, but haven't done so quite yet. Why? Well, for starters, my car likes to die A LOT. And by A LOT, I mean its in the shop every other day and me and the mechanics are almost like besties. Almost if I didn't want to slap them and shove their hands into my car fan while on full blast, cause they clearly have no clue how to fix it, so they certainly don't need those worthless hands anyways...but that's another adventure for another time. And he seems to not be able to go anywhere without his dog and uses it as a reason he cant come here. And I mean he cant do anything without him. Matter of fact, the first time we jumped up and down? I recall quite fondly his dog coming in and licking my leg and his butt...sweet, a dog bath during sex, fantasy realized! Not really. What kind of freak do you think I am?

Back on, I noticed recently he had become much less talkative to me. Calling less, texting less, so on and so forth...what did it mean? Was he bored, was he busy, was he distracted by that all consuming time of the year, that women like to call hell and men like to call Football season? No, turns out after during some social networking checking (No, its not stalking if I'm his friend on there), that he had  a woman visiting him all last weekend. Was it his Mom, you ask? Nope. Sure wasn't unless his Mom is his age and posting cutesy photos of the two them while all his friends say Congrats on your relationship and what a lucky man he is. Before you ask, no we don't live in back country Kentucky, so the likelihood of him being with his Mom is slim.
So I text him and say,. "Congrats on having a girlfriend". Now I'm sure your thinking as I was....was that necessary, cause I'm sure you came off as snarky to him and jealous." And trust me, I would have taken it back right as I hit send....but with all the things a freggin cell phone can do, it cant do that. This is the point, he responds by telling me he has no girlfriend. I laughed and said, really, maybe you should take a look at your profile then, cause it and your friends say otherwise. He says, I swear she's just an old friend come to town to visit. So, I'm wondering at this I have idiot written on my forehead? Clearly the man is convinced I'm either A. Slow or B. Stupid.  Pretty sure this isn't my first rodeo with a man who very much does have a girlfriend and very much tries to pretend, I simply say, ok, whatever. End of conversation. So today, he texts to tell me how he's taking a bubble bath, because I apparently I might like him better if I know he does that...I suppose bathing regularly is a plus. I reply with, Is your girlfriend still visiting? He says no, I have no girlfriend. So, I respond with, Fine, your friend who just happens to own a vagina still visiting? He says no. Now, normally I wouldn't be bothered by a man I am NOT dating, dating another woman, I have no claims to him. However, in this bothers me cause I think he believes I'm foolish enough to believe him. I mean really, if I had a friend who just happened to have a penis visiting...I'm sure he would think the same. That yes, she does have a man.  So, in this case call her what you will, girlfriend, bed buddy, girl who owns a vagina....whatever she is, she is your girlfriend. Whatever else could she be? I mean really you don't post your bf/gf pics on  a website and then say, no nevermind, we are just friends. I don't snuggle and spend the night with my guy friends, do you?

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter....

Today is my birthday. Ive spent most of it on pinterest, pinning various items that I think I might need to do/see/make, etc to my boards. I love electronic hoarding, its an amazing waste of time.
I also spent some time talking to London. London is guy I've talked to through online means, ie. Skype, Email, Facebook for some time now. He's pretty funny, sometimes I have no clue what he is saying but its sexy none the less. I'm pretty convinced he could say something like, "please clean the bathroom" and make it sound like the most amazing and sexual thing ever. He can be difficult though, seeing as how he is several thousand miles away and busy. I feel like after 2 might be time to take the jump and meet him. Feels like a safe move for the most part. Of course, taking a risk is involved in meeting anyone I suppose. Anyone could be a serial killer right? :O 
Ill be the first to admit I like to let my imagination run wild in regards to this man. Maybe he's a serial killer, maybe he's married with 40 kids, maybe he's an international spy...maybe he wants a green card. Who knows?
I'm not always sure though, as he can be kind of hot and cold. One day talking all day and one day not talking at all. Of course, I'm always fairly certain I have really high expectations of men and that both Disney and Romance novels have created this for me. Not to mention I always wanted to be Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman....not a hooker, but swept away by a super hot, wealthy man who cant live without me. A girl can dream right? Or Carrie in Sex and the City...swept away by Mr. Big.
At this point though,  I might just settle for some one who remembers my birthday, and keeps up a conversation.
I find myself flitting listlessly from man to man, bored to tears after no more then what feels like a minute. And unfortunately, I'm not the only one. Cougar informed me she also is quite bored with the men in her life, that perhaps its time for some new blood after last nights fiasco and feeling of "Eh" after the evening was over. So ladies, I ask do you solve the boredom? Do you simply find new toys to play with or do you try to stick it out with the trusted, tried, and true and make it work?

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


I sit here on my couch, getting messages from a couple different of my "online boyfriends" (as my mom likes to call them) contemplating why it is that we try to connect this way? Does it do our soul good to just have any type of communication? Who cares if we only know them by their screen names..."MasterGrower420", which we all know what that means....squinty eyes and lots of snacks on that date....or "SuperJock69" Great. Not only does he think he's the captain of the football team again...he very well still might be 16 mentally, cause I'm fairly convinced no self respecting man over 25 uses the number 69 for anything unless its referring to his grandmothers 69th b-day party. And of course any guy who responds to the second chat message as "oh your so hot, xoxoxxo", cant possibly be trying any harder to make me not interested.
My friend the Cougar texts me at the same time to tell me how she has one of her younger men coming over to "entertain" her, we like to refer to him as "The One Who Cannot be Named", since they originally met when we all worked at the same call center and we couldn't loudly announce to everyone that she was jumping up and down on this fine young man. So this leads me to wonder, do we need men for more then the occasional conversation and/or "entertainment" reasons?
With the ability of us to make our own money now, buy our own homes, cars, etc....have we lost the "need" to be married and maintain long-term relationships? As me and my friends move about in this world, we seem to become more independent and less interested in putting ourselves out there for serious relationships. While I contemplate this, of course, Im still messaging back and forth through this ridiculous online dating site...waiting for my "KnightinShiningArmor1" to show up on the screen and convince me why, I should meet him outside the virtual world, and how he can whisk me away to his castle in the clouds. I suppose I'm a hopeless romantic.

And then there was me...

I'm starting this blog for a few reasons...1) to keep track of all my crazy mis-adventures in this disease we like to call life. B) In honor of my 33rd birthday, I'm another year older, and quite possibly another year crazier. 3) Maybe by reading my ridiculous experiences we can all bond, share a laugh, or just feel better about your life. If the last is the case, glad I could help! and lastly, D) why not? Its a great way to share my story.

About me and relationships:  I'm currently separated from my ex-husband of 5 years, we shall call him Fat-head. I'm not dating anyone, unless you count my fantasy boyfriends from TV and/or books. And the last guy I did date, well, lets just say he was pretty...and that's about it. We'll call him Alabama. I'm pretty sure my vibrator did a better job of making me feel loved then he did. As of right now, I do A LOT talking through the internet with various men, some from the U.S. Some from other countries. I know, I know....your thinking...oh how sad....she can only meet men on the could be right, but hey who knows, maybe my Mr. Perfect is in Russia, slamming back vodka as we speak,  and if he isn't? Then at least Ill have some interesting stories to tell you all about the men I do meet.

About Me and Family: I have a very chaotic family. My mom lives with her boyfriend, I have two younger siblings, one a sister, who has this fantastic marriage and blonde adorable baby....I know, we hate her. I actually love her, but how is it my 22 year old sister has it together more then I do? I suspect I know, but we'll chat more on that later. I also have a brother. Now, don't get it twisted, I love my family, but we are definitely closer to Roseanne then the Brady Bunch. I also have an amazing 7 year old daughter, she is what keeps me grounded and keeps me from running away with the circus or whatever other random fantasy I might concoct in my head and decide I need to try.

About me and friends: Maybe by now you've realized I'm mildy sarcastic...or at least snarky. So your it possible for her to have friends? I'm always a little shocked too. I have my friend I'm closest to, we shall call her Spam. That's right she's a congealed meat in a can. She puts up with a lot and loves me like a sister. And I'm grateful for her everyday. And I have the Cougar, she likes hot, young men, who can blame her right? She is fiery and crazy and just as sarcastic as I am, and I adore her for that. And there's a few'll meet them along the way.

About Me and my Interests: So what do I do besides get on here and type about my life? I work in customer service and regularly want to slam my own head into the desk when I get customers who cant even use the devices they pay a bazillion for. "Please Ma'am...put down the iPhone 5...just back away...its dangerous in your over there is a nice little flip phone....this is perfect for you and your capabilities..." I also attend school full-time, I'm convinced its primarily to owe debt to Sallie Mae who will repo my degree one day when I'm still working in customer service for nada money and cant pay my loan debt, but it will look great hung up with magnets on my fridge. I have other interests as well....reading porn , or as others like to call it "50 Shades of Grey", cooking, traveling and laughing, and shoes, omg, yes, shoes....those might actually be my type of porn.

So, why should you read my laugh at my idiocy is always an acceptable reason.